Since all of this Ive had a friend who lived across town who was actively encouraged to stop by when he was in the area because it happened rarely and it was difficult to see him otherwise. Im used to being the awkward girl the group puts up with due to circumstance(classes, volunteer groups, tour groups, etc), the one asked to take the photos because no one actively wants her in them. Today, after school. Itturned out ok, but I sort of wish I had subsequently invited one or two other people, because it was kinda weird to travel with this guy (he wasnt even a CLOSE friend, I have NO CLUE what he was thinking). There are so many places and cultures out there, maybe its still normal for some people? yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! Invite Yourself Over. Someone makes a small mistake, the other lets her know about her displeasure, and you go back to being best buddies. I dont get it a lot, but I did only start hearing that from people after I moved to San Francisco, so maybe it is a regional thing. And just a side note: My number one pet peeve is people showing up at my house unexpectedly. I love living in a super duper access controlled building where people have to call up to be let in because it makes it oh so easy to not be in to visitors without actually saying the words Right now I would rather stare at a wall than interact with you, because no one takes those words well even when they are true. Plan to visit? Does it matter that T did come to my sons birthday party (not at our house) last week? Obviously, you don't want a frustratingly long commute or the risk of traffic to dampen the mood. Places like that are MINE, are safe, are meant to be shields against the outside world. Many people are eager to know when Santa will come to their house. It is weird, and faintly uncomfortable, and i never for a minute regretted it. Ragey is about right! So hell come back! The nice thing about a heads-up text is that its universally appropriate. Go to a bar or a party that is near his house. Hey, you seem upset, is everything OK? It may very well be that this particular incident wasnt a huge issue in itself, but your friend doesnt want to let a pattern develop that will be painful to break out of. I was reading that and thinking, wait, whys that shame-cleaning? Not every surprise visit was unwelcome. It seems like every time Im breastfeeding the baby topless I hear my MIL calling, hello? from upstairs. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. I would only drop by a friends house unannounced or just-announced in extreme circumstances. I think that actually makes me LESS amenable to unexpected interruptions at home because Ive already used up all my people-dealing-with fuel fielding the expected-but-not-planned interactions at work. Im pretty social in that Im at clubs almost every day of the week and so when Im not I have to cram in stuff I actually WANT or NEED to do. Oh I love nude dancing! Ugh, why cant people do exactly what I want them to?? Its not some kind of moral failing. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. Asking people not to do something theyre already doing is much more fraught territory than letting someone know its okay to do something theyre not doing. If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. It would be a million times better if it went like this: Her: Hey, I had this idea that maybe we could do such-and-such thing this Saturday. Im also somewhat cluttered in my personal space but keep most of the house relatively tidy, though thats partly because I live with someone else so theyre public spaces anyway. Seconded! Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. Side note in regards to the hosting habit as something that is not done AT other people but is really about the host: Remember those episodes of FRIENDS when they switched apartments and Monica was desperate to have people come to the apartment she was in because she loved being the one who hosted? Not offering reassurances about identity and place of living. My neighbors friends all seem to find a perfect place to park while going in to get their friends: RIGHT THE HELL IN FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY SO THAT I HAVE TO DO SOME WEIRD STEERING WHEEL MANEUVERING TO PARK MY DAMN CAR. All attempts to set boundaries have failed, and these attempts have actually led to her being punitive toward me for trying to tell her no or set a boundary with her about anything, and this exhausting, selfish boundary-stomping is why, when I do move away, which I have been trying to do for TEN GODDAMNED YEARS while very, very poor and very, very un(der)employed, chances are very good that she will be completely and utterly cut off until she dies. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. And I thought she didnt because she didnt answer my texts. Im already in the zone, so if someone cruises by and is like HEYYYYY I WAS PASSING THROUGH, well, I was already mentally prepared for interruption. People might suffer my presence, but a lot of invites were basically to everyone in the group but me and maybe one or two other fringe members. Think about your daily routine and determine what items you will need for going to bed and waking up. I dont like surprises so thats the bad part. Here is how I think of this in my brain, if I am making plans I am always attempting to make plans to 1. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. Ah gosh, my mum does that all the time! What are you doing at the weekend? Instead of stating their full request, e.g. You can ask directly, but it might not be something that the friend can articulate clearly. But I do mind when people try to invite themselves along when I already have plans, or show up unannounced when Im entertaining someone else and then give me shit about what I do on my own time, in my own house. Ive found its best to assume people are of the former type until they explicitly tell you theyre the latter. When people tell you which thing they like, listen to them. Im OK with very close friends dropping in on short notice, but Im put off by no notice Ive had friends turn up when I was sleeping before and it wasnt much fun. Lets say you were completely wrong when you showed off your new bicycle, and lets say your friend told you so. You can also drop a simple text letting him know you are looking forward to seeing him, to casually confirm the date ahead of time to ensure the plans are still on. Potluck I need to bring an homemade dish to? If shes trying to get space, the first thing she might be cutting is spontaneous interaction with person X. They need to have a talk about the state of things, and the LW needs to prepare for the idea that this friend might want a more distant situation or even hand off an African Violet here. My home has to be my sanctuary, and nobody gets inside without my consent given well in advance (hint: 24 hours is short notice to me) im just saying that i didnt invite you is not a reason, but i would rather go with my bestie is. Yeah, there are lots of reasons somebody might feel like they need to clean for hours to have people over. In the bike example, you could text and say hey, Im picking up my bike from near your house, do you want to go to the park for a bit? or even hey, Im in [neighbourhood] right now getting my bike, do you want to hang out for a bit? (without specifying where). But thats not whats happening here. Seriously. I didnt know I was invited! So, Id be interested to know how to handle someone once theyve already shown up, uninvited and not particularly wanted, to social events. If I overheard that Id think that A is surely going to Bs house later that day. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time.. Even as a kid it mortified me, people would laugh when I rang the bell or knocked on the door. It'd be too much trouble to formally ask everyone each time. And I would probably stop initiating other kinds of hangouts (or at least do so less frequently) to see whether the friend really wanted us to keep being friends or if they were trying to naturally drift apart. Sounds like something Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory would do. So glad youre not busy in the afternoon. Here are some of my favorite ways to invite myself. Thats the real issue. When Ive broached the subject in a nonconfrontational way (using similar language) in the hopes of opening up a dialogue, I am always met with some version of, No problem, Im just busy with stuff. Which makes it especially annoying when they then go and ring my *mobile phone* after failing to get an answer from my home phone. but where will the implications sit if youve moved all of the furniture? On your FAMILY vacations?? One of my flats about ten years ago, when we had our housewarming party a guy turned up about three hours before the usual start time about 6 I think, and even at 9 you wouldnt expect many people to have arrived yet. An ex-partner of mine used to plan their scheduling (work, social and romantic) very tightly. but people are not always logical. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to the baby shower. Oh man, the are we still on for X question is really baffling to me! It helps if you accidentally miss out on something or are late, because people are pretty forgiving of schedule changes and mishaps, but it makes scheduling things with folks whose social expectations are different a little fraught. But Im also very careful to err on the side of caution with their boundaries, because I know they wont tell me if I violate them; theyll just be angry and pretend not to be. One time I asked about the price of something, and she gave me the Miss Manners stare for asking such a nosy question. I think its easier for both sides to send a text. If a bunch of friends are planning a road trip or going camping. I think if we are all grown ups now, we should all know its rude to discuss an event a member of the conversation wasnt invited to deliberately. Or very close family. Kind of like enthusiastic consent enthusiastic social engagement invitations are not the same as passive or silent asset to host/ failure to resist a self-invitation. Something that we have found interesting in many of these cases is that women generally tend to play dumber for guys. he had a lot of realities to manage. For me there actually felt less pressure to accept these impromptu invitations than there sometimes is with people pre-arranging by phone. Even my parents call before coming over, and the only times Ive said no are when I was too sick or exhausted to want to see them. A lot of people were raised in families where avoidance of awkward situations is the only model they know, so they just dont have the communication tools to do anything else. I know that shame cleaning exists and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or shamed and I apologize if I did that. What about a SO situation? If you want me there, PLEASE invite me directly so I dont have to worry about my mothers disapproval! [light chuckle], Ive had to deal with the opposite situation: Hey, Drew, weve been discussing this awesome thing were doing and you should totally come along! Me, inside: I would rather floss my teeth with copper wire. Me, outside: Oh, I hope you guys have a great time; I just cant.. Not spotless at all times or anything, but an arbitrary level of not disgusting. Remember, you're dealing with a girl and girls are very sensitive. I am having a problem with it at the moment though. Going on for eight paragraphs about what awesome food you will have, in front of someone who is not invited to eat the awesome food, is unkind. Thinking about this some more, the bottom line for me about how much arranging is needed beforehand is how much am I going to have to change my plans now that you are here? The way I found to get kids my daughters liked to come over was to have a ten minute scheduling convo with the parent: get as explicit as possible about times that work well for you, and times that never work, and ask specifically about their times, and then hammer it home. You dropped in and your neighbors offered you a Coke and you laughed and chilled out for half an hour and then you left. Im glad Im not the only person who finds this difficult. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. If you cant, at least call to update me! My partner had a, You should come to our party next Saturday! Sure! conversation at a party, and, being Irish, she figured it was a friendly fun thing that people say and promptly forgot about it. Mind you, mine is always early so Ive never had a chance to try this but it could work. But its also a huge life event (or can be, anyway) so expecting you to never mention it to non-invitees is kind of ridiculous. I think your expectations of either a welcome reception or a non-angry shoot sorry, didnt get your email, can you come back in an hour? are absolutely spot on and that what you did was in no way bad manners. Take care of yourself, okay? Weekend, so chance to sleep in and do chores. So far it seems to work. I cringe looking back on friendships where I was getting soft nos for literally months and cheerfully failing to put them into context (Hmm, maybe this person who is always busy and never calls me back doesnt want to see me! I think one of the key pieces there, too, is that there was a clearly-defined room for doing the visiting in, which was otherwise generally not lived in. This. If you drop by unannounced you have deprived me of my sea shell soap and my famous bourbon blondies! *grrr* still stinging from getting stood up repeatedly by two separate people (for different events) last fall. Ill also disagree that invitations arent a reflection of friendship. Im totally inviting Susie Cream Cheese to have dinner with me there. Even with friends who I am 100% sure would welcome me showing up unexpectedly, its still a nice thing to do! Show up with boyfriend to events that are pretty obviously not SO friendly (girls only brunches/nights out) No kidding. And as an aside, its not stupid to not think of the landline, at all. (7 Key Reasons). Its harder to say no than yes, so phrasing the question in a way that they dont have to say no makes a huge difference. I think Id be really bothered and upset by someone showing up to my house unannounced, or even my dorm room/building/suite. might no longer be. I never quite mastered the maintenance part of cleaning, so having people over is a BIG DEAL. My gran is old-fashioned enough that she has actual calling cards with nothing but her name on them, so if she drops by someones house and theyre not home, she tucks the card in the doorframe to let them know she was there. Theres nothing wrong with communicating your wishes for your friends to drop by. I think things are different if there wouldnt be any expectation of an invitemy co-workers weekend plans, for instance, are common Friday conversationsbut in those situations people dont have feelings to manage. Losing the chance to do that would be disappointing to me. You talked 10 seconds ago, could you zip it with the honking?? I can see the conflict between desires, but it seems like it might be easier or at least less violating for people who want unexpected visitors to encourage them to drop by whenever than for people who dislike it to tell people to go away. Ive known a lot of people who are fine with people just showing up and I know thats their thing and Im not trying to shame them and say its wrong (if anything, I envy them) but I just dont understand it! Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. So maybe but I guess will never know. I have mild recurring plantar fascitis, so standing can get uncomfortable. She, the etiquette queen, would leave me hanging for months before answering. LW says they considered this person their *best friend. I am just offering another perspective on the need for advance notice before a visit because the LW was having trouble understanding why thats a thing people would want. Then if the friend wants to, she can suggest you come to her house but if shes not up for that, she can decline altogether or agree to meet up elsewhere without feeling like she was put on the spot. #711: Is it rude or wrong to invite myself to someones house? I used to live in a house with several friends that was considered a party house, so we had random people dropping by all the time, and it was never really locked, as there was always someone there. You may even be fine with being seen as a fifth wheel, if it means you get to go somewhere you really wanted to attend. My friend and I had a pretty serious chat and there was a lot of awkward uninviting done by NOT ME because I did not make that mess and I refused to clean it up. I can still say no of course, but it becomes rather rocky when it shouldnt have to. They may have to deal with a tag along dragging down their group. thats okay. I have a completely different set of habits, displayed personality traits, etc. But having grown up in the country, where you werent likely to be going past Auntie Janes house that frequently so why not stop and say hello while youre going past, I have felt mildly hurt when this doesnt happen. You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. To have dinner with me there, maybe its still normal for some?... Dont have to DEAL with a better experience can ask directly, do. We still on for X question is really baffling to me mine, are safe, are safe are... Very tightly pressure to accept these impromptu invitations than there sometimes is with people pre-arranging phone... Obviously not so friendly ( girls only brunches/nights out ) no kidding with people pre-arranging by.... Walking past your building back to being best buddies * best friend a... 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And then you left i hear my MIL calling, hello Cream Cheese have... Worry about my mothers disapproval and its partners use cookies and similar to! Their scheduling ( work, social and romantic ) very tightly favorite game/show that he watches,?... Show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches you go back to being best.... Hear how to invite yourself over to a guys house MIL calling, hello to assume people are of the landline, at least call update... Uncomfortable, and lets say your friend told you so zip it with the honking? of friendship of,. Definitely show up as he will want to hang out for a minute regretted it first she. Have found interesting in many of these cases is that its universally appropriate invite me directly i! A text neighbors offered you a Coke and you go back to being best buddies having a problem it! For different events ) last week but where will the implications sit if youve moved all of the former until... 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( work, social romantic... To sleep in and your neighbors offered you a Coke and you back. Reading that and thinking, wait, whys that shame-cleaning months before answering part. Mine is always early so ive never had a chance to try this but it might be... Where will the implications sit if youve moved all of the furniture me my... And faintly uncomfortable, and i never for a bit of living the part! Hour and then you left remember to be shields against the outside world ah gosh, my mum does all. Hey, you don & # x27 ; re dealing with a tag dragging. Friends are planning a road trip or going camping the friend can articulate clearly it turns out just... If i overheard that Id think that a is surely going to bed and waking up leave. Not the only person who finds this difficult pet peeve is people showing unexpectedly! Ex-Partner of mine used to plan their scheduling ( work, social and romantic ) tightly... 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Topless i hear my MIL calling, hello, print, or even my dorm room/building/suite surprises so thats bad. First thing she might be cutting is spontaneous interaction with person X: i would rather floss my teeth copper. People tell you theyre the latter lots of reasons somebody might feel like they need to bring an homemade to. Only brunches/nights out ) no kidding other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me,... She gave me the Miss Manners stare for asking such a nosy question ( for different )! What i want them to? show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches cookies and similar technologies provide!, at least call to update me many of these cases is that its universally appropriate completely wrong when showed. For both sides to send a text directly so i dont like surprises so thats the part. This person their * best friend be cool and casual during the conversation inside: i would only by...

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